I’ve just finished Sandra Dodd’s big book of unschooling. I just couldn’t put it down. I’m understanding the shift from rules to principles much more fully, not that we ever had many rules as such. But I realise that sometimes ‘no’ is a no just because I’m the parent and I’ve decided that ‘good children’ wouldn’t or shouldn’t do those things (and therefore that makes me a bad parent). I remember first going on to the radical unschooling page and almost leaving because of the tone of the introduction, but I stuck it out and I just watch and read and now I can hear those words in a different way. The reason I wanted to leave is because it challenged me to realise that I don’t know it all, and that there are others that have lived it and know better. It’s not a great feeling to think you’ve been doing the wrong thing at the best of times, but when you’ve done them with the intention of being a good parent there’s this need to defend ourselves. I’m talking about food and TV of course, we never subscribed to forcing independence on our kids through countless limits and CIO techniques for improving sleep etc. We’ve been attached and natural parents as best we knew how, and I thought that unschooling was the natural progression. In some ways it is, but it’s so much more than being a hippy! It’s a complete family lifestyle, it is no longer just a parenting philosophy. I have loved how I have seen myself and our family in so many of Sandra’s anecdotes. I read an article recently about how as an unschooler, you can’t be responsible for other people’s reactions. They get defensive and it’s because of their issues and doubts about their choices. I realise I am also guilty of this, but I am so much more aware. It makes me sit and listen more – I was always a listener in social situations, not educational ones as I was a bit of a know-it-all I’m sorry to say and being challenged intellectually and being wrong was something terrible to me. I didn’t want to appear to be ‘stupid’ as being ‘clever’ was always my ‘thing’. Recently when I got defensive talking with Vio about something he is much more knowledgeable on and said “I’m not stupid”, he told me that he knows I’m not, but i can still be wrong. I’m not sure if he realises but that left me sulking for days; not because I was wrong, but because I could get so upset about it. Well maybe a little because I was wrong too. He is such a wise person and has always been able to see my emotions and responses for what they were well before I could.
John Holt ‘How Children Learn’ is also fascinating. I used to read even attachment parenting sites about the use of praise, and structuring activities (craft mainly) and creating what i can see now as a little family school. I just couldn’t say ‘good job’ – it felt so unnatural. maybe it’s because i was a child that worked in order to get the red ticks and ‘well done’ comments from my teacher and I don’t want my kids to do things for the pleasure of others. Even when Alex had such troubles with his speech and the stuttering was really bad, I am so glad i showed him patience and although we did seek counsel from a speech pathologist, I never engaged in the ‘training’ I was supposed to give Alex in making his words smooth. I remember trying it once (to be a good parent) and Alex looked at me like ‘are you serious?’ He wasn’t even 3. And the supposed ‘lateral s’ lisp that would never correct itself (and blamed upon ‘extended’ breastfeeding). Well, Alex sorted that out all by himself. We just don’t need to correct everything they say and do, they learn if they see, hear and feel a good model. Even swimming. I never took Alex swimming lessons early in his life. i think he was 2 1/2. I firstly didn’t see the point and secondly the money factor. But he has had lessons on and off since 3 then. We’ve stopped because Alex developed a fear and I could never force him, though i’m sorry to say I tried to bribe him a few times. We are now on the second return to lessons. Alex is not only calm when asked to put his face in the water, but he is swimming and doing roly-poly’s underwater too! He’s not far ‘behind’ other kids his age that I know have had far many more expensive lessons than he. We’ve trusted, and it’s worked. He trusts too. And swimming for him is a pleasure. We are often going 2-3 times in a single week upon his request. I’m not asking him to swim, he is setting his own challenges as he discovers new things.
So what do I want to do? BTW I just corrected that from ‘need’ to ‘want’… Well I want to allow Alex to lead investigations a little more. i seem to jump onto any fleeting interest he has and try to force information about that topic into him. Am I trying to prove to myself that this works perhaps? Even though I have long disputed the idea of IQ and challenge various discourses (thanks to that one awesome unit in my DipEd), I still have the idea of abilities and intelligence deeply ingrained in my mind so that I design activities that look school-ish and expect Alex to act appropriately. This kid sees right through any kind of teaching and rebels – lol. Also, in selecting what I think Alex should learn about a given topic, I am subconsciously giving certain resources and information more value and of more educational benefit. So I’m going to stop jumping on every whim – just because he watched a cartoon a few times does not mean I have to integrate every subject area into it. I’ve not thought about it that way before, maybe I am trying to design projects for him and forcefully integrate maths/reading/writing/science or whatever unnaturally and it shows. I’m going to sit and watch more. I’m going to play more. I’m going to try new things and I’m going to stay home more. Most importantly -PATIENCE! (That means less yelling too!)